A Wisconsin Yankee in Walt Disney's Court

Has there ever been a catchier tune, anywhere? I think not.

I mainly remember this song from their train commercials in the 1970s. I know they might occasionally still run an Amtrak commercial here and there, convincing you that you won’t die on the rails before you get where ever you’re going, but these were primarily for freight trains, as far as I can recall. How the world has changed.

This clip is a little long, and it gets slow with an interlude through the middle, but around the 4:50 mark, Bam! Judy Garland shows up to bring the whole thing home. Forget that the uncredited players in this thing have more talent than a season’s worth of American Idol finalists– if Simon Cowell was half the hard-ass he claims to be he’d get on stage and beat all the contestants to death with Judy Garland’s tombstone. Who do we have now, for a Hollywood singing starlet? Lindsey Lohan? For shame.

I’d like to see Family Guy do a take-off on this scene, like the Shipoopi scene from The Music Man. I imagine that was lost on most of today’s viewers, so here’s the full number if you didn’t “et” it:

This Florida real-estate website shows a few crazy aerial views of Florida that aren’t directly theme-park related– except for The Mickey forest, above. That’s the only one of the views that’s anywhere near me, but I’m not sure where exactly. Watch for the nuclear plant cooling canals, and the subdivision divided into a maze of canals so that gullible pre-fab home buyers cam be promised “waterfront property” in a scam that would make PT Barnum proud.

via Neatorama

The only bad part about the new Futurama DVD-movies is the wait, and the wait, and then it’s over in 90 minutes and you’re waiting again. I’d rather have it meted out in weekly doses by a network, but we’ll take what we can get.

Bender’s Big Score only had one weakness– the “twist” ending that everybody saw coming. Not that it was bad, but maybe it could’ve been disguised better. Otherwise, the continuity of the convoluted plot was as consistent as it could be, considering cartoon time-travel was involved. References to old episodes flowed seamlessly, and it all fit together so neatly at the end.

The Beast With a Billion Backs doesn’t have any of that internal consistency. Without giving anything away, the initial threat just seems to go away with no repurcussions, and the climax and denouement each have some explaining to do, to paraphrase Ricky Ricardo. None of this detracts from the movie too much– it’s a cartoon with talking robots and lobster people, after all– but it could have been as tight as the first movie. Still funny, and still filled with great bits, but if anyone wants to explain how every being in the universe fit on Bender’s pirate ship I’d like to hear it.

My cell phone rang on one of my last nights there; it was Schizo, my psychotic pal who once hopped into my moving car out of nowhere covered in dirt and complaining about aliens shooting lasers at his feet. “Hey Schiz- what’s up?”

“I was supposed to tell you— that guy from Toys ‘R’ Us that thinks he’s Batman—“

Side note: this second character always told us, when he was younger, that he would name his son Bruce Wayne if he ever had one. True to his word, when his girlfriend dropped out a kid unexpectedly in a Long John Silver’s ladies room he already had the first and middle name ready to go.

“—that Batman guy wanted me to tell you that Bert died.”

“You mean the Muppet?”

“No, no, some guy he said you knew.”

“You mean Bert of Beautiful Bert and the Crotch Crickets?”

“What?”

The line at the gas station mini-mart had come to a complete halt.

“The band,” I said, “the punk band he used to front.”

“Uh, I dunno, I think he said something about a band, maybe. I dunno.”

“Oh, jeez, that must be him. That’s too bad.”

“I don’t think I ever heard of him. Bat-guy just wanted me to tell you that. Hey, I just drew another picture of Wolverine with his @#$%^& hanging o–”

“No, god, –no, that’s great, just make sure I never see it. I’ll see ya later…”

click

The two guys ahead of me with a case of beer looked in my direction like I was supposed to explain what just happened, but I couldn’t if I wanted to.

———————————

I’d known Bert for nearly 20 years, but hadn’t spoken to him in quite a while. He once worked where I did, and never mentioned the punk rock scene he was involved in. Not like I know or care anything about it, but he was always a nice guy, as were all the other folks with safety pins and Sid Vicious buttons on their black jackets that I dealt with over the years. Actually, you could be pretty sure that that group would be the last to give you trouble.

Anyway, Bert had that ironic sort of nickname, in that he wasn’t any more beautiful than, say, the 3 or 4 300+ lbs. guys I knew named Tiny were small. He was a wild-eyed 300+ pounder himself with a pale complexion and a curly, unkempt shock of blonde hair. I still saw him around the neighborhood until recently, and he’d always give a wave but I’m sorry I didn’t stop to talk to him one more time.

After I left, I heard from a reader, it turned out that Bert had nothing for a funeral, and another local pal named Dale Destruction held a fundraiser and had a nice send-off for him. The trouble is, somebody kept Bert’s ashes after the party, and it’s turned into a criminal case. Somebody robbed the grave of Beautiful Bert, so to speak. But I doubt it would bother him, wherever he is.

Me, I can’t deal with such weirdness any more.

One of my favorite cartoons to never make it to DVD boxed set infamy, 3-South apparently ran on MTV in the early 2000’s (I missed it whenever it ran, and I don’t feel like wikipedia-ing at the moment.) Most of the 15 or so episodes are available in parts on Youtube and elsewhere– if anyone can get me decent DVD copies let me know.

Why they couldn’t have run this for a couple of seasons, at least, is beyond me. Well, besides the fact that it was drowned in a sea of reality shows and whatever other garbage they play on MTV these days. It’s too bad Adult Swim didn’t pick it up to give it another chance, the way they saved Family Guy and Futurama.

Besides being such a great show, the surprisingly appropriate thene song, lifted from the Flaming Lips, is pretty catchy too.